DISCLAIMER: While the consumption of dubious delicacies is not recommended, it has to be said that the Recipe for Disaster is one you must try at some point in your life. It is creamy and delicious, dreamy and fictitious. It fills your stomach full to bursting, but leaves your throat in wanton thirsting. If you do attempt to consume such a delicacy BEWARE; it may also attempt to consume you.
Recipe for Disaster
150g butter, melted 225g flour, sifted 2 tsp hopes, extracted 3 tsp fears, redacted 1 whole melon 1 crazed felon 2 jars spiders’ legs 4 very fresh eggs
- Toast your spiders’ legs and set aside
- Prepare your hopes and fears; pulverise them with a tenderiser until you have a nice, fine powder
- Incorporate the hopes and fears powder into the flour
- Combine the melted butter and eggs; whisk until the batter doubles in size
- Fold the flour and egg mixtures together with a wooden spatula
- Notice the shadowy figure looking at you through the kitchen window
- Transfer cake batter to a 9-inch cake tin
- Prepare your melon; pluck out the eyes before removing the flesh of the fruit
- Put the cake tin in the ov–where’d the shadowy figure go?
- Absently discard the cake as you leave the room to investigate
- Notice your breathing hasten as you creep through the familiar corners of your house
- Follow the feeling of unease to the back porch
- Is that someone standing in the treeline?
- Second-guess yourself and head back into the house
- Encounter the felon on your way back to the kitchen. His eyes are missing and his head has been hollowed out
- Scream in confusion
- Continue screaming as you encounter the fire that has broken out in the kitchen
- Recall setting the fire
- Garnish with spiders’ legs and enjoy
Featured artwork courtesy of author.