i want to shrug my gender off like a bad dream \\
become dr who \\
regeneration the ultimate deus ex machina for gender \\\
just let me sonic screwdriver some shit and kiss pretty women \\
i want to be born again \\
in a future where \\
i do not cry myself to sleep at 13 for liking a girl \\
i do not get in trouble for cutting my hair too short at 15 \\
do not feel sick in my body before a maths exam \\
SICK \\
IN \\
MY \\
BODY \\
and it is not the mathematics that is killing me \\
surprisingly \\
all i want to do is calculate integrals and derivatives without wanting to claw my breasts off \\
rip my hair from my scalp \\
i want to be one of the girls \\
i want to be one of the boys \\
i want the easy acceptance of a creature at home in their body \\
a creature born in the right body \\
as if a body can be right \\
i do not want to have to draw a line, say this is where i stand \\
60% woman \\
35% man \\
5% amorphous blob \\
except on wednesdays when i wear pink \\
fridays when i’m a boy\\
i want to be a little sister \\
a brother \\
i was once told it was ok if i became a brother \\
i don’t know if that was ever true \\
i want to be a 40 year old distinguished maths lecturer who cracks bad jokes while explaining differential forms \\
my form \\
a topology unmappable \\
i want to be a sapphic girl burning shit down \\
i never want to tick \\
- Male
- Female
- Other (please specify)
but i can only specify by writing a poem \\
which doesn’t seem acceptable on a form for the dentist \\
i do not want to be the third thing no one speaks of \\
i want a hand to hold \\
hold me in this body \\
THIS SICKENING BODY \\
i want to be everything \\
i want to be nothing \\
like everyone who never presses back against their flesh and says i cannot be contained here \\
a friend says i’m overthinking \\
no one cares what your gender is \\
then treat me like i don’t have one \\
i want to not have one anymore \\
PLEASE \\
i want \\
i WANT \\
I WANT \\
Featured photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash.
