i don’t think i could forget my deadname
it’s [redacted] and i see it often
it’s still on my drivers license
because i’ve already failed my full twice
so why try again
old teachers and old friends will say it to me
and i flinch a little when i hear that name
and there isn’t much i can do
and there were 5 other kids with my name in my year alone at high school
i should have changed my name then
however
i failed to realise
gender is not my thing a bit too late for that
and it still took me a year to pick a new name
i am at a party right now and no one knows my name was [redacted]
no one knows me at all actually
except the person who invited me
and i got to introduce myself to them
as who i am
and i will continue to do so
with anyone else who talks to me
while i write this
which might be few
as i went upstairs so i could think
people will see my deadname and say my new name fits me better
that’s a compliment hopefully
but a painful reminder i was someone else for 19 years
it is hard to emphasise how hard it was sharing my name with so many people
even in primary school
i was referenced to as [redacted] 3 in maths
not even 2 or 1
which hurt more than it should have
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Featured photo by Egor Komarov on Unsplash.
