after ‘prey animal’ by Amelia Kirkness
i’ve always thought i’m a bad liar.
it’s like: the way i pause when someone asks how my childhood was
it’s all so predictable. the way i felt special, grown-up
the way i still like being somebody’s secret.
my father tried to teach us to shoot rabbits once
frosted winter dunes, our breath coming out like cobweb.
dead ones wash up on the sand sometimes, furcrust salty and lifeless
i was really good. i’m really good at the taking, the bloodletting
the roadkilling. see, i told you i’m a bad liar.
it’s like: how there was always an entire lamb in the freezer growing up
prey will play dead to avoid suffering.
at night i lie still and cunicular in the spare bed i hear footsteps
and dream of my own corpse
how animals on the farm with
injuries beyond help get put out of their misery.
the boy at school who did the late shift at the meatworks came to class
smelling like flesh. mine has always betrayed me. i feel safest on my knees. i always get what i deserve. fear is all i deserve. i am a clever girl for knowing this.
i stopped believing because nothing saves me when i do.
I’m scared of wild pigs and stags in the bush. i know they wouldn’t hurt me because i am unpunishable. i am antler and tusk and skinned meat and
like them, i am just an animal
i pray i am just an animal
Featured images supplied.
